Diary of a Divorce

This is an old one... it is taken from my journal entries during a one year period in my life surrounding the demise of my first marriage... Even though the contents is sad & dark...I post it in hopes that anyone going through the nightmare, the confusion & pain of a failing/failed marriage can draw strength and encouragement that God, through time, truly does heal, and that the darkness really does give way to dawn.... whether through restoration of the relationship, or as in my case... healing of the broken places in my heart after the divorce.

~Diary of a Divorce~

November 29th

Tears... I’m so finished with you.

The cleansing power of you is no longer appreciated.

Reckless rivers, storming through the memories of what used to be my life…
leaving a path of desolation.
Nobody respects you, they don’t even recognize your source.

Emptiness… you are my world.
I bathe in your darkness. I am comfortable here for you are what I know.

Futility… why do you remain so close?

Blow after blow you continue to stand.

How did you get so strong?
I fed you without even realizing it.

Time...Please be kind.

I am me no longer.


December 10th

Time…. They say you heal all wounds.
Do you?
I’m waiting.

Emptiness still abides… but has invited a friend…
Destruction.

Gone is the glory of the former days.
Gone are the dancers and the musicians.
Gone are the riches.

Ashes and dust abound.

A kingdom always falls from within.



December 27th

I don’t recognize him, though in my dreams I’ve loved him always.

How did I convince myself of love’s return?

They say love is blind… it must be so.

Blindly I loved.
Blindly I believed in love’s return.
Blindly I obeyed.

Submission…. You are so misunderstood.

The final petal has fallen…..He loves me not.

The realization brings clarity.



February 14th (Valentine’s Day)

Celebration of love?

Amusing.

It brings the laughter of the insane.

Behind the mighty wall, the rumblings can be heard by those who are listening.

Does anyone hear them but me?

Like a tired newscast late in the night, the warnings fall on sleeping ears.

Devastation lurks, its shadow drawing ever closer.
I can’t breathe.
I’m paralyzed.

Nevertheless, our masks are in place…

the plastic smiles and bright colors a mockery of the agony beneath.

What is it we’re celebrating, again?



March 30th

I stand at a fork in the road.

A move in either direction seems wrong.

Yet, I can’t retreat.
I am driven forward; compelled with the urgency to gain control.

Neither the memory of what once was, nor the dreams of what could have been comfort me.
I can’t change the circumstances, but they have certainly changed me.

I rage against the suffocation.

A choice must be made... and it is mine.

I go forward alone with the realization that I always have.

I write.
I cry.
I shout.
My words bounce back like a schoolyard ball after recess.

I am alone in a crowd.



April 23rd

I moved out today.

I have no words.



May 10th

Separated...
Your very name screams failure.

Your casualties are many;

your sorrows… deep caverns in my soul.

The ravages of war are as visible and devastating within,

as they are in the world I knew.

Sanctuary... he has never darkened your doorway.

Sleepless nights... I mock you now.

Like sunshine after rain, I am refreshed...

the simplicity of which is divine.

Laughter...you are a welcome reprieve;

returning like the prodigal son.

I greet you as a long, lost lover.

Courage...walk with me.

I am different.

I am changed.

I am alive.

I can do this.


November 28th

Closure...with the sound of the gavel you greet me, wrapping me in your embrace.

You bring the solace I have longed for.

Time... your promise of healing stands true.

Your hands have held me as a father holds his child in the night...

chasing away fears, both real and imagined.

Your very existence transforms.

Pain... you are a part of my soul.

I look into my children’s eyes and see your face, for you have violated their world.

As a rushing river alters the face of the earth, your surge has invaded every crevice of my being. Your power is diminished as the waters recede.

Experience...you have made me rich.

You are not in vain.

You fashion who I am.

Your gifts are abundant,
your memories both bitter and sweet.

What are your intentions?
I am frightened, yet exhilarated by the possibilities.

Joy...the laughter you evoke comes from deep within;

I thought you were lost forever.

In childlike play, you snuck up on me when I wasn't looking...

reminding me that God has a sense of humor.

Life... I once stood at a fork in the road, and pondered which path to take. Part of me will always wonder what was down the other road. History proves that every walk of life reveals sunshine and rain... simple forces of nature that have the capacity of catastrophic proportions, hidden behind the whisper of a breeze. The only thing certain is that on this path, as on all others, I can only take one step at a time... and the only thing that I can change is me.

Strange how the most simple is still the most profound.

Copyright (c) 2005 PB

Life Lessons - Lessons from Life for Life by Patti Hamilton is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.